'This week Art has really left me. Even when I tried to hold its foot as it made its escape through the front door, and I screamed: "Art, don't leave me, I love you, I love you!" Art seemed to be going somewhere else, a place it could reside in a lot more comfort than inside my mind.'
'I even realised yesterday, whilst lying in bed all day long, why I drink a lot sometimes and dance like a lunatic, like I did on Monday night at Rebecca's party. One is to be celebratory, and the other is to really step outside of my own mind, the absolute desire to be free. As an artist, when you don't feel free, free with your ideas and your creativity, you feel suffocated. And the worst thing about this suffocation is that as you slowly start to become faint, nothing really matters, just your own breath. Everything you have made, invented, mastered, taught, learnt really does become so unimportant. And that is a very horrible feeling.'
These quotes are from an article of Tracey Emin's coloumn which she writes for the independent newspaper are the ones which stuck out the most for me. I feel that her writing is very similar as to how i am writing in my councellor letters. It shows how she is reflecting and criticising herself constantly saying how she feels then saying how she should really feel and what she should really be doing. She isnt holding back in how she feels and yet she is also limiting herslef by telling herself what she 'should' be doing. In a previous video piece she did she had a conversation with herself. Therefore potraying a councellor style of being a critic of herself. I think that this is a similar approach of how i want my work to be percieved. I want it to be seen that yes ive been through alot at the time but i am getting over it and i am trying to push myself back into my love of art once again. As it is still there its just left me at the moment.
This is a video of tracey emin explaining how she also has a struggle with art and how she sortof falls out of love with it then re-kindles that love once again all of a sudden. I feel like this is quite a good explanation of how i am gradually getting myself more involved with art again.
If im honest Art and me have very much a love hate relationship. If my life is going to shit then so is my art. I used to be able to lock myself away for hours on end and just create loads of work. But as ive gotten older and found that art has to be alot more about materiality and meaning which is a good thing as i feel that i am much more a conseptual artist than a 'plop artist' or someone who just paints pretty pictures. I feel as though whenever something bad happenes in my life it affects me so much i go into my shell and i dont want to even make art about it as its too painful. Ive never been so emotionally messed up in my life before all this stuff happened. But i am gradually getting over it and im gradually getting more and more back involved with art. I love art. But i hate how i cant be around art when im crushed. I feel as though something is stopping me and if i try to make it i always criticise myself and convince myself that its shit work and that i should throw it away. But thankfully i havent thrown it away this time. I feel as though i have had a HUGE block in my work, time which ill never get back unfortunately but i will work out a way of making myself get through this as i want to be a strong person again and not to have let these things damage my life.
